As I get older, I reflect more and more on my life and if it’s turned out how I wanted it to be or ever dreamed it would. Today, I want to look at my childhood. I watch lots of television and I find myself comparing the characters to the life I’ve led or wanted. As most people know or maybe do not know, I was an Army brat, so I never had the stability living in an area that others had. For the first half of my life, we moved around quite a bit; from Georgia, to North Carolina, to California (Monterey and San Diego), to Hawaii, to Korea and back to Hawaii. I thought moving back to Hawaii would be great, being as I had lived there for 4 years and knew that my friends would be there. But it never felt that way upon my return. I always felt like an outsider, the years spent away making me feel like a newcomer all over again, especially in the prime years of my childhood. I actually do still feel like an outsider whenever I do go home, but I try not to let that take away from the joy I have seeing family and friends. It’s kinda sad in that retrospect, but it’s the way things turn out and we are dealt the cards we are dealt.

I think about my life and how I’ve turned out the way that I did. Did things turn out the way that I wanted it to or how I expected to? I would probably say no. I see the way other people have formed close bonds with others and I wonder why I was never and have never been able to do that, and if there was something was wrong with me. Obviously I know that is not the case, but it makes me yearn and wish that things were different and that I was able to open up the way they do.

A couple of shows come to my mind; one is the Wonder Years. As everyone pretty much knows the show circled around Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper and the relationship they had over the years. I always felt that that was neat. In a way, I always wanted a Winnie Cooper of my own; it would have been nice to have bonded with someone the way that lucky bastard Kevin did. Sadly, I never had a Winnie Cooper of my own, and while that would have been awesome, I can only wonder what life would have been with a Winnie Cooper. Another show is Zoey 101, which just ended. I’m sure people will make fun of me since it was a tween show; however I enjoyed that show, it was funny in a cheesy way and I like cheesy shows, so it was easy to watch, and there was not much thinking involved to it. The premise of this show was a bunch of kids were at a Boarding type school, and the relationship between the two main characters, Zoey and Chase. They were close friends who obviously liked each other, Chase unable to tell Zoey how he felt and Zoey, pretty much not realizing it, until it was pointed out to her. I always felt that the dynamic aspect of their relationship was interesting, and always wanted something like that for myself. And going to some ritzy academy would have been sweet as well, haha. Obviously it’s too late for this to happen for me, but it sure would have been nice.

I’ve always had the motto of “Have gun will travel,” and considered myself kind of like a mercenary. But seeing as how I yearned for so much when I was a child, is this the motto or lifestyle I want to continue with as I get older and hopefully have kids of my own or do I want to try and give them things that I always wanted? I do not know and cannot say what the future entails, but hopefully my kids will have the inner peace that I always wanted for myself.

Currently Listening With a Little Help from My Friends By Joe Cocker see related

A New Journey

It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged here on Xanga. Things have pretty much been going smoothly. I recently got a raise which will be greatly needed and appreciated, so I feel accomplished professionally and definitely I do feel blessed to be where I am at my age. However, I still feel a void personally, in my heart and in my soul; I am missing what is important to me. I was hoping that Michigan would provide me that, but it has not. Now that’s not to say anything bad about this state, I’m just not feeling satisfied and have felt more stagnant than I have in awhile. Just as it was time for me to leave Hawaii over three years ago, maybe it is time for me to leave Michigan to take that next step or leap so to speak.

I recently applied for two jobs in Korea, so we’ll see if I have a shot at those openings. Not sure what the timeframe for those to start are, but I’ll be ready to go when the time comes, if it comes. If I do not get either position, I am content to continue on my journey here in Michigan, but I will not rest. I’ve got big goals and dreams to accomplish.

So you may be asking what it is that I want. I’d like to meet the right woman, one that I could fall in love, want to spend the rest of my life with, and eventually marry and have kids with. I thought Michigan would be a chance to find that, after all I had pretty much a lack of success in Hawaii. And for a period, it looked like I was going to find that here, but in the snap of a finger; I’ve felt that the time has passed here. Who knows though, things work in mysterious ways, so we’ll see where fate and destiny take me.

I do know what I want in life and it’s time for me to take control and grasp that which is what I want.

Hope you are all having a great year so far, and that it continues.

Currently Listening Taylor Swift By Taylor Swift see related

It's been awhile

Well it's been almost a year since I have blogged on the ol' Xanga. Many things have been going on in the last year. I've got a raise in January, and will get another one this coming January. It means I'll be in Michigan a little longer than expected, but it was a hard offer to turn down, despite not really liking my work. I do get a snazzy new job title though. I'm also looking to try and do a 6 month TDY assignment in Ft. Belvoir, Virginia, so we'll see how that goes.

I got to go to Camp Dodge, Iowa for a work trip. I got to help take apart a Humvee engine and rebuild another one, something I never thought I would do. But it was definitely fun.

My hard drive crashed on my laptop, so I've lost a whole bunch of stuff. I still have the hard drive though, as I do want to try and recover whatever else I can off of it, as long as it's not too pricey.

Also dated  a very sweet girl for about 6 months, but sadly the relationship came to an end, we're still friendly though, but even that's started to drift apart, due to differences and just little things, which I will not go into out of respect.

Almost had a dog, I made the plans to break my lease and move to a place that allowed dogs, but that fell apart at the last second. I did get to watch her for a week, before she went  back to Virginia. I do hope I get to see that little dog again, she was precious. Hailey, I miss you bud.

I'll be going up to Seattle in a few weeks to celebrate my dad's birthday as he turns the big 60. Originally the plan was to have it back home in Hawaii, but my mom changed the plans on us. I like Seattle though so that'll be good. I'll most likely be home for Christmas though, I need to start looking at airplane tickets, so I can get me a decent deal on a price.

Played softball again this year. Was pretty fun, and I felt I have made some improvement from last year, but I didn't play as much as I'd have liked to. I know people have told me to speak about playing more, but I never felt it was my place to do so. I never liked telling people to come out if I wasn't the coach or manager.

I also bought a Nintendo Wii this year, and I must say it's a very fun and exciting machine and not too expensive. Very fun system I will say.

I have begun working out again, and feel pretty good. I've been hitting the elliptical machine almost daily, and I can feel the differences. I've also cut down my soda intake by far, and just need to work on my diet, as I'm still a sucker for junk food.

Things have been changing, and things have been staying the same. I'm excited to see what tomorrow has to offer. I'll try my best to post more blogs.

Currently Watching Transformers (Two-Disc Special Edition) By Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Tyrese Gibson, Jon Voight, Hugo Weaving see related

Smiles are abound

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving, I know I did. Originally I hadn't planned to do anything, but my boss's secretary invited me over so I decided to go. Her husband also works where I work and we got do some talking and he's said that he'll look and see if there are any openings up in his area which would be awesome. Plus the turkey meal is always a good thing in my book.

And then there's the other reason I'm happy, well I still don't want to go into any details about that yet, but I am happier than I've probably ever been, so we'll leave it at that, trust me. 2 more days and no more complaining from me. I'm thankful for the blessings I have.

Currently Listening History By Matthew West see related

Droppin' in on the flipside

Well Xanga, it's been awhile since I've written a blog. Life is good, I can honestly say that for the first time in ages. I'm in a better state of mind, better area and a better zone. Dare I say I'm happy. Can't and really won't go into details, but I have become a very different person over the last month or so. Believe it or not, I haven't drank alcohol in over 4 weeks, I've cut my swearing down drastically, and I just feel a lot better generally, well except when I am driving on the road. I can say that I've never been happier.

We'll see how everything goes though, maybe one day I'll all let you in on why I'm happy, but we'll see when that time comes. Just take my word, that I am happy.